iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou, she never says
by little red after the wolf
Summary: She grows up watching the person she loves most in the world love someone else. — rilaya, rucas, lucaya (tw: death tw: alcohol tw: queerphobia tw: miscarriage)
1. Girls Like Her Don't Get Happy Endings

Full summary: she grows up watching the person she loves most in the world love someone else. / first it's tommy hannigan in the first grade, then it's oliver mcminamin in third grade, then it's ash saito in sixth grade, then it's lucas friar in seventh grade, then it's edgard hantus in junior year, then it's alec crawford in senior year, then it's farkle minkus in college, then she's marrying lucas friar at 23. she doesn't say a word as they say i do.

**A/N: Yikes, this one is long. Welp, I was inspired by a Tumblr post by americankidatheaart that went, "I literally see Maya growing up watching the person she loves the most, love someone else." And one of the tags was "its like karmy but worse because we'll see them grow up." So this happened. And indeed included some Faking It references.**

* * *

**i. you meet her and she makes your stomach hurt**

Maya Hart is barely old enough to string full and complete sentences together when she pulls Riley Matthews' head out of a bucket of water. It's in that moment, as she's got her tiny fingers tangled in silky locks, that her stomach first twists and feels funny. "You have to wift your head," she informs the brunette.

"Ohhhh," Riley says once the air returns to her lungs, "I'm Riley."

"Who asked?" The blonde humphs.

"My mommy taught me it was polite to intwoduce yoursef," she says, slightly crestfallen.

Maya stops for a second. Her mother hasn't taught her anything of the sorts.

"Who are you?" Riley asks.

"Maya," she says curtly. It takes them three weeks and one sandwich to become friends but once they're friends, they're inseparable. The feelings persist in Maya's stomach whenever Riley smiles or hugs her or holds her hand. She decides they're perfectly normal feelings.

* * *

**ii. she gets to know tommy hannigan and he makes her smile**

It's not until Riley whispers about dirty blonde hair and sea green eyes and his black eye from standing up for her that Maya starts to question the feelings in her stomach. There's a fire in her bones that is misplaced and a sinking in her stomach that isn't right.

"Tommy Hannigan?" She scoffs back, "he talks like he's trying to swallow peanut butter." She does her best impression of him and hopes Riley will see how stupid he is.

Her eyes burn and her heart twists behind her ribs when Riley defends him. But then she sees the hurt in those doe eyes and she doesn't want to do that to her best friend. She shuts up for all of first and second grade about how much she _hateshimhateshimhateshim_. Riley never shuts up about how she _likeshimlikeshimlikeshim_.

But Riley Matthews is beaming like a complete idiot and that's all she's ever really wanted so it's okay.

(She breaks four pencils and a pen listening to Riley talking on and on about him.)

When she writes a letter to Santa for Christmas at seven years old (it's a tradition she picks up from the Matthews), all it asks for is "Riley Matthews' smiling." She seals the envelope shut (and it tastes as sweet as Riley's laughter sounds) and tucks it into the mailbox with the address Mrs. Matthews told her in the corner.

She never knows that her own mom reads it and works twelve extra shifts to buy Riley a pure silver charm bracelet with a little picture of her and Maya from the day they became friends in one of its silver charms. Riley smiles like crazy and so Maya smiles too.

The next day Tommy Hannigan admires the bracelet and shares his lunch with Riley.

Maya screams into her pillow and breaks down into tremors of sobs. She hates the way he smiled at her best friend more than she hates him. Most of all though, she hates the way Riley smiled back.

It kills her and she doesn't quite know why because Riley Matthews smiling is exactly what she wanted. (Later she'll realize that what she really wanted was Riley Matthews smiling at her.)

* * *

**iii. she runs into oliver mcminamin and he makes her giggle**

In third grade Tommy Hannigan moves to Michigan and Maya hasn't been happier since Riley refused to take the bracelet off no matter what. The elation dies down when Oliver McMinamin tells the funniest stories but Riley laughs a little too hard at them.

She has to coax the brunette into admitting her feelings and maybe that hurts more than the fact that she likes him and his stupid jokes. Even though she hates it, this time she doesn't insult him (at least not to Riley's face).

She forces them together by pairing up with his best friend Richie Goldman on a history project even though she hates Richie Goldman. Richie has to do all the work because Maya is too busy staring at her best friend smiling and giggling and babbling on too much with a red faced Oliver McMinamin.

"Are you just gonna stare at them or are you gonna help me?" He asks at one point. She glares at him until he goes back to their poster.

It isn't until after she talks to Oliver McMinamin for Riley that she has a good reason to hate him. He talks too much about himself and uses made up words that don't make any sense.

She reports this back to Riley (who hasn't talked to him since the blonde forced her to) who makes excuses for how self-centered he is and finds his made up words cute. The blood under her skin boils and she breaks another pencil.

Riley squeals that they could double date _MayaandRichieandRileyandOliver_ sounds golden to the brunette. But Maya has a crush on Olive Fitzpatrick (she hates the name similarities a lot) so she scrunches up her face.

She wonders why it is that Riley likes boys and she likes a girl once or twice. (In all honesty, that's why she never tells Riley the way Olive Fitzpatrick makes her heart flutter or about the time she kisses her on the swings.)

That night she tells herself it's just that Riley has bad taste in boys and that's why she's hated both of her crushes.

She pukes after eating old takeout and her mom tells her to stay home, kisses her forehead the way Mrs. Matthews would, and goes to work, leaving her the takeout menu and $30 in tips. Maya watches cars drive by and old, shaking men who are too skinny beg for money and get coins and lint instead until it makes her feel sick again. She throws up into the toilet and cries a bit.

The worst part is that she thinks she understands their pain.

She's always _wantingwantingwanting_ the things she doesn't have and when she gets them they're not what she needs. The sobs wretch her body and she just sits there, her hands trembling in pathetic ists.

It's 11:10 when she crawls back into her bed, still shaking and clammy. The apartment is freezing so she tucks herself under thin blankets.

Twisting and writhing, she's as restless as her heart.

A minute barely passes by. "11:11, make a wish," she grumbles, remembering Riley whispering about how she keeps wishing for Oliver McMinamin to like her back and how sad she is that it hasn't come true. She remembers the way she held a crying Riley afterwards.

(She feels guilty for wishing he would never like Riley once.)

"I wish . . . I wish Riley would laugh more," she wishes, "I want that more than anything."

Her stomach rumbles and she grabs the phone, trying to brush off the humming in her bones and sloshing in her rib cage. She orders a pineapple pizza (it's Riley's favorite) and saves too much for later.

The next day she's eating it with her best friend and they're talking about how Richie Goldman was sick too so Oliver McMinamin spent most of yesterday talking to her. She _laughsandlaughsandlaughs_ and Maya is torn between crying and smiling.

It's the first and last time she believes wishes come true.

* * *

**iv. she sees ash saito playing soccer and he makes her melt**

Riley takes three years to get over Oliver McMinamin (and she wouldn't have if he hadn't come out as gay in fifth grade). Maya's heart hasn't felt so at ease since she had Riley all to herself.

Sixth grade is hell on earth for them at first because Mr. Matthews is a teacher at their middle school and they're both tiny.

(Maya quickly makes sure people know that doesn't give them an excuse to push her or her girl around though.)

But then Riley sees Ash Saito (dorky loser Ash Saito from the second grade who used to eat his boogers and drool over Maya) in PE and her whole world (that is really still her father's world) stops.

Ash Saito is no longer the loser Maya makes faces at in that moment.

And in that moment, Maya's heart snaps into another fraction she can't count.

She goes home and just wants to be okay after listening to Riley _talkandsquealandsighandshiver_ about him. But her mom is sobbing at the dinner table and her dad is nowhere to be found.

She never asks what happened to him and her mom is perfectly fine the next day. Gammy moves in with them and looks at them both with sad eyes that look too much like Riley's.

Her whole world is falling apart all over again.

(Riley hugs her tight and pinky swears not to tell anyone he left.)

Unlike her mom, Riley never pretends like he didn't leave though. Riley is always making sure Maya is okay and hugging her when she lies. It twists at Maya's heart and she has no doubts whatsoever that this isn't normal.

The way her heart flutters when Riley smiles at her feels too much like when she kissed Olive Fitzpatrick in the third grade and like the way Danielle Strunk made her feel in kindergarten.

She tries to push the feelings down but then Riley squeals about Ash Saito and his perfect smiles and everything hurts like a fresh wound.

It takes her three months to decide she must become complete iron to live with this. And sometimes that involves telling Riley she doesn't really care that much when she's droning on and on about Ash Saito.

But the heart of iron disappears when Riley _swoons_ over Ash _freaking_ Saito.

Her heart is bleeding rust into her veins and her bones of steel are cracking. Then Riley is sighing about him (even though he's a little creep who stared down Maya's shirt last week) and she has to roll her eyes. She does and it feels like her skull is splitting with the effort.

For Riley's birthday, she gets her a lock and attaches a note she thinks is too embarrassingly cheesy but she knows Riley will like that. It talks about how _she_ is Riley's diary and tells her that she can tell her anything because that's what best friends are for.

Riley hugs her tightly and tells her all about how Ash Saito makes her heart _just melt_ and Maya feels sick but this is what she promised so she smiles and tells Riley that anything that makes her happy is okay. Even if Ash Saito checks her ass out in sixth period and Riley loses her bracelet during PE because of him (she's too distracted to see it fall off during volleyball and they don't find it after three hours of searching and Riley cries because she lost the reminder of their friendship that Maya's mom bought her until Maya takes her to get ice cream and tells her it's okay, she doesn't need it to prove their friendship).

She stays awake all night wondering why her dad left. She sobs for the first time in months when she considers the possibility it was because she likes girls and not boys like Riley does.

(She'd heard stories from Oliver McMinamin about how his dad still hasn't warmed up to him being gay so it doesn't seem like a stretch.)

Gammy comes and hugs her and offers soothing words until she stops shaking (her mom doesn't come the way Topanga would've because she's working _latelatelate_ again and it makes Maya cry a little harder). They just sit there, breathing in the silence for awhile. Gammy asks if Maya wants her to call Riley. The answer is yes, a thousand times yes.

It doesn't make her feel better the way it should and then she feels guilty about the homework she hasn't done.

She barely passes history and math but at least she survives her world being destroyed.

* * *

**v. she falls into place in lucas friar's lap and he makes her too happy**

She thinks she hates Lucas Friar the most of all of Riley's crushes. She knows that's only because she can't find a good reason to hate him.

He's good for Riley. He makes her happy. He's a gentleman. He won't take advantage of her. He's sweet to her. He's aware of her feelings and considerate of him. He is everything Maya could ask for for her best friend (the most important person in the world to her).

That crushes anything reminiscent of hope inside her.

The absolute worst part of Lucas Friar (it still isn't actually bad and that frustrates her) is that he doesn't just take her insults. He returns them like it's a game. She wants to rip her hair out and hit him until he cries like he makes her want to.

But maybe it's Riley who makes her want to cry. She doesn't know anymore.

All she knows is that she doesn't feel like she should about any of this.

She hates herself a little more than she hates him the day she leaves Riley all alone at lunch. Of course, Riley isn't really all alone. Farkle and Lucas sit with her and make her laugh and smile (and she laughs and smiles differently at Lucas). But they all know it's not the same as her best friend making her laugh and smile.

Maya wishes she could say she left for a good reason. But making out with Olive Fitzpatrick and tangling her hands in those blonde, silky curls (she likes the feel of straight locks a lot more and part of her knows it's because of the day she met Riley Matthews) in the janitor's closet is not a good reason to abandon your best friend.

The worst part about it is that she never tells Riley the truth about why she left.

(She hates that she likes girls too much to admit it.)

She also never tells Riley that she had come back for her before lunch ended but then she saw how happy she was with Lucas Friar (and Farkle, but she never really thinks about Farkle) and hid in the library.

She cried to Mr. Matthews and said it was about how she felt like Lucas Friar was going to take her girl. He told her he was worried about the same thing and they bonded but it made Maya feel empty in a way. She thinks it was making him swear to not tell Riley about it that emptied her.

The realization that Lucas Friar can make her _happyhappyhappy_ (which is all she's ever wanted so why does it hurt so much?) and that Riley might love him a little bit hits her when she sees them in the public library that night.

If Farkle understood that she liked girls, she would've cried to him then and there. But she has a heart of iron and he has all the understanding of a newborn baby. Nothing happens between her and him but she watches _something_ unfold between Lucas Friar and Riley Matthews and tries to be okay.

The first thing she draws in Mr. Matthews' sketchbook is Riley getting married to Lucas Friar in a fairy tale wedding. Then she texts Olive Fitzpatrick with the phone Mr. Matthews was kind enough to buy her (he feels like the father she craves and she thinks he did this because of Lucas Friar) and they end up going on a date.

It's another thing she never tells Riley.

(Part of her wishes she would just to see what would happen.)

The year isn't complete hell even though Lucas Friar asks Riley out (she'd pushed him to and told him he had her blessing but it still hurts) and Riley kisses him and she has to go out with Farkle.

She finally likes a boy (so what that he's her best friend's uncle?) and she feels normal for once in her life! She writes her dad a letter that tells him about it and how happy Riley is with Lucas Friar and how she's _sososo_ happy for her best friend.

The worst part is that she knows it won't make him come back (but then again, at least she's finally normal.)

* * *

**vi. she dates edgard hantus and he shows her beautiful things**

They're juniors when Riley loses her virginity. It's to the senior she's been dating all summer, for exactly three months, two week, and six days (not that Maya has counted since he asked her best friend out _without her permission_) and she's happy with this.

Maya isn't. At least Lucas Friar would've talked to her about it to make sure she was okay with it.

Edgard Hantus (but Riley calls him Eddie) doesn't understand that Maya Hart is every much a part of his relationship as he and Riley Matthews are the way Lucas Friar did and that makes her wanna punch him in the face.

But it wasn't until he laughed at how protective she is of the friendship ring Riley bought her that Maya hated him. He was nice enough but he didn't get it at all.

It didn't help Maya that she still liked Josh but that didn't make her straight (Riley still makes her heart race when they hold hands). It occurs to her that she could've liked Edgard Hantus if he hadn't been dating her girl.

She became friends with Oliver McMinamin once Riley stopped liking him after all (he went on a double date with her and Olive Fitzpatrick just three weeks ago).

Maya comes out—god knows as what—(with lots of encouragement from Oliver McMinamin and her ever so understanding girlfriend) to the entire school at homecoming and everyone applauds and Riley jumps into her best friends arms and asks why she didn't get to know sooner.

Edgard Hantus laughs at how affectionate his girlfriend is towards her best friend and Maya's girlfriend grabs her hand and they dance. She decides she's a horrible, horrible person for feeling Riley's soft little hands on her still.

Afterwards they have a sleepover with just them (though Lucas Friar and Farkle stop by to share chocolate covered strawberries) and Riley giggles too much about how Edgard showed her constellations she didn't know and named stars she'd never thought of as more than far off happy ever afters. Maya hums absentmindedly and draws all of the night sky for Riley as she talks and talks.

They all go camping together that weekend (they bring Olive and Lucas and Farkle and Edgard with them) and he shows her girl pretty flowers and they go hiking too early for anyone else to go too. Maya hates the way Riley talks about everything they saw together and all the birds and paths.

She almost pukes, she feels so awful.

Instead she kisses Olive Fitzpatrick as sweetly as they did in kindergarten as they make s'mores. The fire sounds too much the warmth in Riley's voice.

Farkle passes out and later says he's happy his girls are happy (Maya secretly hates the way he calls Riley his girl) and Lucas Friar agrees even though his eyes linger a little too long on Riley. They did date for almost three years.

The reminder makes Maya wanna scream.

She Googles what she is that Monday and there are endless articles about bisexuality and pansexuality and her brain has never felt so fried. It crosses her mind that her entire life would've been so much easier if she only liked boys like Joshua Matthews and she writes another letter to her dad about how confused she is right now.

Like the last letter, he doesn't respond.

Her mom is late home again and Gammy gives her another blanket for comfort. "This house is not a home," she whispers into the darkness.

As she falls asleep, her eyelids show her all the beautiful things Riley talked to her about Edgard Hantus showing her. It's a restless night no matter how heavy her eyes become.

The next day, Riley's _widewidewide_ eyes are crying mascara and eyeliner. Edgard Hantus was cheating on her.

Maya punches him so hard her pathetic little fists bruise and her knuckles bleed.

She looks right into Riley's eyes, wider than distance, and promises Edgard Hantus won't hurt her again.

(She prays she isn't lying.)

* * *

**vii. she kisses alec crawford and he makes her stomach flip**

Riley meets a boy at an amusement park in senior year and he goes to a school near theirs. Maya almost likes him and then he kisses Riley and she wants to break him.

Riley tells her all about how her stomach is still bubbly like after she kissed Lucas Friar and how she thinks she might love Alec Crawford and his sandy blonde hair and surfer accent.

Maya has never wanted to hide under her bed and scream until her throat is hoarse so badly. But she isn't five anymore and she knows this won't solve anything so she just smiles like it doesn't kill her.

She cries to Oliver McMinamin later and he holds her even though they both know he should be telling her to break up with Olive Fitzpatrick.

(He tells her that later and she does with tears in her eyes and more "I'm sorry"'s than she can count.)

She's almost okay again and then she finds out that Gammy has cancer and she breaks down. Her mom still isn't home on time to hold her so Gammy does.

She writes another letter to her dad about how fucking scared she is now and he still doesn't write back.

Riley holds her tight all night when she finds out. The brunette cries like Gammy is her own grandma and Maya thinks it makes her feel better.

Then she sees Alec Crawford hugging Riley and telling her that it's okay after school one day. She knows right away that it's about Gammy.

Her dad gets sent yet another letter he doesn't reply to.

Depressed and with bullets in her heart of iron, she goes to Shawn Hunter because she thinks he'll understand (he usually does). She ends up drunk and telling him everything. It breaks her heart that he understands because he loved Mr. Matthews that way before Angela and when he tells her even more about how broken up his family was.

They cry and drink together even though he grumbles about how he shouldn't let her drink (he says it's like pouring salt water into her bleeding veins and that he's an awful father for it and she hugs him because she hasn't had a dad in so long).

He tells Mr. Matthews about it (but leaves out the details neither of them want him to hear) and Mr. Matthews hugs his other little girl and tells her it's going to be okay even if it hurts now.

She thinks the thing that kills her is that Mr. Matthews and her end up exchanging too many secrets and suddenly she knows that he loved Shawn at one point too.

Riley and Alec Crawford cuddle in front of her on the couch as they watch movies with Auggie (who's too grown up now and still with Ava). Her heart is bleeding out but at least she has a dad (or maybe dads) now. She knows she has a mom in Topanga and she wishes she had one in her own mother too.

They get the call that Gammy died and Riley clings to Alec Crawford with one hand and her best friend with the other. Auggie joins in their tears and Alec Crawford makes him smile afterwards so Maya doesn't hate him too much.

She still wants to claw his eyes out when he kisses her girl though.

Maya thinks it's strange that Riley doesn't take Alec Crawford to the funeral with her (but she thinks it's out of respect) and that her body curls into Lucas Friar's as Farkle holds her hand and they just cry. Maya is torn from her dads and mom to be in the embrace and she thinks she's kind of okay again.

Then she sees Auggie crying in his girlfriend's arms and her real mom sobbing and her dads and other mom holding each other and Maya knows what it feels like to have your heart ripped from between your ribs.

_She'snotokayshe'snotokayshe'snotokay._

She writes one last letter to her dad and he doesn't write back one last time.

Lucas Friar drives her to the middle school afterwards and they sit in the field in the pouring rain, not talking. They simply understand each other. They understand the way they both look at Riley and they understand that she is their girl.

He steps on something and she screams when she sees what it is.

Her friendship ring feels heavier than ever on her hand when she picks up the rusting bracelet. There are charms missing but the picture is still intact and she doesn't quite know what she feels. But then she's shaking and crying in Lucas Friar's arms and thanking him and calling him a cowboy and he's laughing and crying with her because he simply understands.

They give it back to Riley together and she cries too and she smiles so wide (Maya swears it's wider than distance, like those doe eyes) it hurts.

Farkle hears all the commotion and stops by and they end up calling Maya's real mom together and telling her what happened and none of them have been this happy since before Gammy was diagnosed.

Maya's real mom cooks her dinner that night and they celebrate.

She really thinks she'll be okay so she uses the wish she doesn't believe in on Riley, not herself. It feels just like being a little kid again when she wishes on the shooting star.

"I wish Riley will stay bubbly," she says. Her mom smiles softly like she knows and Maya almost feels bad. Instead she comes out to her mom as bisexual.

(She'd talked it over with Topanga and Mr. Matthews and Shawn and she knew now.)

Her wish comes true in the worst way, like it always has.

She walks in on Alec Crawford's tongue down Riley's throat and knows about the bubbly butterflies in her best friend's stomach and she wants to cry.

Instead she calls Joshua Matthews and ends up sticking her tongue down _his_ throat. She doesn't feel any better.

She feels even worse when she walks in on Alec Crawford with his tongue down another girl's throat and has to tell Riley why she kicked him in his balls and slammed him into a pole.

Riley forgives him because "it was an accident" unlike Edgard Hantus and his two other girlfriends.

Olive McMinamin comforts Maya the same way she comforts Riley and it's okay until they see Riley and Alec Crawford kissing sweetly with cotton candy.

(He holds her hand and tells her to be brave but she's already iron.)

* * *

**viii. she goes to college with farkle minkus and he romances her**

They don't go to the same college and that's okay. Riley goes to Arizona State for psychology because she wants to help people and Maya goes to Steinhardt for art therapy and they FaceTime every day and _laughandlaughandlaugh._

Alec Craword cheated again so Riley dumped him and they're both okay with that because he's going to some community college far away from them both.

Maya thinks she's okay being this far from her best friend until her best friend starts talking about Farkle Minkus like he's the world. Apparently it started when he took her to prom (which is a _longlonglong_ story that upsets Lucas Friar and Maya Hart both). Maya stops being content with being so far from her best friend the moment Riley sighs about him.

She wishes so badly that Farkle Minkus had gone to Harvard or Yale like he should've (he got accepted into both but instead he chose Arizona State because of Riley).

She cries to Oliver McMinamin (and she thanks the Lord and all the night sky that he got accepted into Steinhardt too) and he whispers calming things into her hair like Gammy would've and her mom had just started learning to.

It's almost okay.

Then Lucas Friar (who got into the New York University School of Medicine) comes to her campus to tell her Farkle Minkus had asked for his permission to ask out Riley.

They both drink too much and lean on each other for comfort that night.

Farkle Minkus asks Maya for her blessing that morning.

She hates herself for giving it but would hate herself even more if she didn't. She can't stand the way it sounds when Riley cries.

It kills her to hear about how great Farkle Minkus is later.

It kills Lucas Friar too, the day they're all on FaceTime and Riley and Farkle Minkus are too cute together he cries after they hang up. He kisses Maya but it doesn't feel like anything so they both apologize.

"Why do you think you still love her?" Maya asks him.

"Probably the same reasons you still love her," he murmurs, "I've never really thought about it. I mean, she's beautiful and she always wants to help everyone and she fixed me, she made my secrets okay and my flaws beautiful, she makes people so happy and that makes me want her to never be unhappy . . ."

"Yeah, that's Riley," she replies. She's never been very good with her words.

"Hey, Maya," he says.

"Yeah, sundance?" She turns her head.

"Can you draw me a picture of why you love her?" He asks. She isn't sure why she says yes but she does.

Oliver McMinamin tells her it's a bad idea and she knows he's right but she does it anyways.

It makes her cry so she calls Shawn and he comforts her. She hears Topanga's voice telling her to pick herself up because it's going to be okay one day and Mr. Matthews (she's finds it funny that she still calls him Mr. Matthews even though it's been so long since he was her teacher and he's one of her dads) telling her that she's gotta do good now and make them even prouder of her. Then she hears her real mom tell her she loves her and wants her to do better than her.

She's determined to do this so she calls Riley that day and listens to her _talkandtalkandtalk_ about Farkle Minkus the way she used to _talkandtalkandtalk_ about Tommy Hannigan and Oliver McMinamin and Ash Saito and Lucas Friar and Edgard Hantus and Alec Crawford. It still hurts but now it's somehow better.

He sounds like a great boyfriend, at the very least. He's taken her to see plays and Broadway shows (they'd come to visit New York a few times) and to private concerts and all kinds of wonderfully romantic things Riley has always dreamed of. It's strange to think that maybe he's Prince Charming and not Lucas Friar like she'd always thought.

She redraws Riley's fairy tale wedding that night and there's a familiar longing in her.

Lucas Friar and Farkle Minkus never find out that she's imagined both of them as Riley Matthew's Prince Charming.

(And absolutely no one but her ever knows she tries drawing herself as Riley's Princess Sarcasm and it doesn't work out.)

* * *

**viv. you watch her marry prince charming and it hurts so much**

Somewhere along the way, she realized she still loved Lucas Friar. Farkle Minkus was okay with this and, unlike Maya Hart, he was genuinely happy for his best friend Riley.

Lucas Friar had asked Maya for her permission before he had even asked Mr. Matthews before proposing.

He had told her she didn't have to say yes just because it was him and Maya wished she hadn't. But she wasn't selfish enough to take that happiness from them.

She said it was okay.

She hate herself as she stands next to the bridesmaids and across from Farkle Minkus (of course, they were the best man and maid of honor). She hates herself for saying yes, for wishing she'd said no, for loving Riley so much, for not being Princess Sarcasm, for everything.

But she smiles because Riley is smiling so much and Lucas Friar has never looked so utterly, helplessly in love.

She's happy for them, really. But she also hurts so damn much.

Shawn looks like he wants to cry for both his little girls from his seat and Mr. Matthews looks like he isn't sure if he wants to kill Lucas Friar or hug his daughter. Then he looks at Maya and his eyes are soft and hurting every bit as much as he thinks she must be. Maya can tell Topanga wants to run up and hug them both. Her real mom is halfway in tears already.

She tries not to cry too.

It turns out Riley cries enough for the both of them during the vows. Lucas Friar asks if her she remembers what he said on their first date. About those moments you know you'll remember forever. She nods so much her neck looks like it'll break and he smiles and tells her that his last one was the moment he asked Maya Hart for permission to ask her best friend to marry him, and that now, this is undoubtedly one of them, that is going to be the best one in his entire life.

She tearfully tells him that she's so, so happy her best friend in the entire world pushed her into his lap that day on the subway. Tells him all the cheesy things only Riley would say and and says she's glad she's kept her deal with Maya to never settle for less than Canada and mentions the day he and Maya found her bracelet and then she says that that's the day she knew he and her were soulmates.

Maya thinks she can actually feel her iron heart shattering.

It breaks down even further when Riley tells Lucas Friar that he was her fifth crush, that that is why five is her favorite number, and he tells her she was his fifth crush too and then Maya sees the number engraved on their wedding rings.

And the number is on Riley's finger and Maya almost cries. Then she sees Farkle crying (but it's tears of joy _and_ pain) and she says screw it and cries too.

"Hey, other one," Farkle says to her with a soft smile that sends her back to seventh grade when things were simpler.

"Hey, Minkus," she nods.

"Wanna dance?" He asks.

"Sure," she shrugs.

They spin and they talk and they laugh like they're kids again. And then Riley wants a dance with her best friend and Lucas Friar dances with his.

"I love you," Riley smiles.

"I love you too, Mrs. Friar," Maya smiles right back. She resists the urge to make a joke about what Lucas Friar would say if he heard his wife say such a thing.

"Shut up," the brunette giggles.

"Nah, you always liked when I called you that," she sticks her tongue out.

"It was ten years ago," the other girl whines.

They tease each other like that for three songs straight and Maya thinks this is her moment to never forget. That thought makes her want to cry all over again. Instead she dances with Shawn and then Mr. Matthews and then she sits with her moms and holds their hands like everything is going to be alright.

Lucas Friar asks her to dance and she says yes because she can't stop saying yes to the stupid cowboy. He thanks her a thousand times over and tells her he's so so sorry and hopes she can forgive him one day and promises to help her find someone who makes her happy. She ends up dancing with Joshua Matthews next and kissing him.

Riley gives her a thumbs up and she excuses herself.

When she grabs hold of Riley's hand, the wedding ring feels strange against her fingers. They talk and she makes sure it's okay and then she continues dancing with Joshua Matthews like he's Riley. She feels like an awful person but Oliver McMinamin tells her it's okay because she has feelings for Joshua Matthews.

She feels queasy when she counts over how many boys Riley Matthews has liked after realizing Lucas Friar being number five didn't seem right. No matter how she counts it, Lucas Friar is number four.

Riley Matthews has things she never told Maya Hart.

(She's a hypocrite as this makes her vomit.)

* * *

_reviews are love. give maya some._


	2. She Dreams of Happy Ever After

Summary: She grows up trying to love someone else.

First, she likes a girl, then she likes a boy, a boy, a boy, loves one, (she thinks she's loved the girl from the day they met though), gives everything to one, punches one in the face, loves another one, then she marries lucky number five. She wishes the girl would say something as they say their "I do"'s.

* * *

**i. you're shorter than her when she saves your life**

Riley Matthews must be honest, she doesn't really remember meeting Maya Hart. To her, it's as simple as Maya always being there. She knows what happened, of course, she just doesn't remember anything but the way her heart broke when Maya smiled.

(Maybe she just suppresses the memory because it's easier than knowing she was unwanted by Maya for a long time.)

She tries desperately to squint into her brain but all she ever remembers is not being able to breathe, hearing what she'd thought was an angel, and that sad, sad smile.

It still makes her heart skip a beat.

(And truthfully, she's always known she was different like that.)

* * *

**ii. tommy hannigan talks funny but his eyes remind you of hers**

She really does like Tommy Hannigan. She's not one of those cliches Maya hates that pretends to like boys when she really craves the touch of her best friend. It takes her awhile because her parents have taught her that love does not just click into place one day.

Maya has always protected her from bullies and the evil that takes advantage of star eyed little girls who believe in unicorns and all the angels that sing.

But Riley cannot protect Maya from all the coughing and snot and so her best friend gets sick one day and there is no one to protect her from the evils of the first grade. A boy who her mommy tells her probably just has a crush on her and is embarrassed is picking on her again.

(She feels ugly when he insults her braided hair but pretty when Maya tells her she likes it.)

And then Tommy Hannigan is on top of him, in a pile of limbs and hitting and screams that he needs to leave Riley alone. It's not the first time she feels like a damsel in distress but it's the first time she feels like she has a prince to rescue her and not a princess.

She knows damsels in distress are supposed to end up with princes who scale high towers and slay dragons and climb up the damsel's hair.

(Much later she doesn't particularly like that notion because princesses can kick ass too and maybe she doesn't want a prince.)

Tommy Hannigan has a black eye and a time out afterwards but she writes him a thank you note she never has the courage to give him.

His eyes shine the same way Maya's do and his hair is the same shade of blonde and he protects her like she does but he lacks the teasing smirk that looks a lot like home.

It's when she gets the bracelet with a picture of her and Maya that she finally talks to him and thanks him with a kiss on his cheek that makes both their faces burn. He compliments the bracelet and she stutters through rambles about nothing that she rambles to Maya about.

She doesn't think Maya likes Tommy Hannigan too much though (it's the pencils) so she eventually shuts up about him.

* * *

**iii. oliver mcminamin teases you like she would**

Maya tells her it's a miracle she can stand properly (_weaklegstogowithdoeeyes_, she thinks she hears Maya whisper once) so she's not surprised—just _veryveryvery_ embarrassed—when she literally runs into Oliver McMinamin.

Then he says all the right—_Maya_—things to say and she's blushing even harder.

He's absolutely perfect because he's funny and quick witted and he smirks like Maya does. But she realizes why she likes him and she says nothing to Maya about it.

She says nothing for the longest time (really, it's only a week but hiding things from Maya feels like eternity) and it's not until the blonde forces her to with that smirk that looks like home that it all comes spilling out.

If she was more observant she would realize that Maya hates Oliver McMinamin like she hated Tommy Hannigan.

She's much too shy to talk to Oliver McMinamin and Maya hates that more. Even starry eyed Riley Matthews knows that.

The day Maya forces her to talk to Oliver McMinamin is one of the best days in her life, even when she stutters through too much rambling. She rambles on about it to Maya, picturing his smirk (but it's her smirk, even with brown hair and gray eyes).

Later, she concludes that Oliver McMinamin doesn't like her like she likes him (the funny, quick witted side of Maya, she realizes, like how Tommy Hannigan was the gruff, protective side of her—she thinks something inbetween would be just right because that's Maya) no matter how many times Maya insists his face was redder than Danielle Strunk's hair.

She still isn't over Oliver McMinamin and his teasing smirk though.

It's him admitting he wants a prince and not a princess that does it.

(Maybe it also makes her feel okay about _maybepossiblyperhaps_ wanting a princess.)

* * *

**iv. ash saito has strong arms you think would feel like hers**

Her daddy is a teacher at their new school but she still doesn't call him Mr. Matthews because that's too weird. Maya's daddy is _longlonggone_ and she's never felt guiltier for having her father so close.

Even though she's holding Maya, all she can think of is the warmth of home and the shampoo that smells like everything knows.

(She's never done the saving before now but she thinks she really likes it. She thinks she'll like fixing people more.)

But she likes Ash Saito now so she later wonders if his arms feel this warm.

She hugs him once, during PE after he scores a goal (she doesn't know the exact term for it because she's never liked football). His arms feel nothing like Maya's but his smile looks like a much happier version of the one from all those _yearsandyears_ ago when she almost drowned.

It's enough so she clings to her crush on him.

(Deep down, she knows he is no prince and she doesn't think she's anyone's princess.)

Later, Maya promises to be her diary like she isn't already. Riley doesn't know if she should laugh or cry. Instead, she mentally promises to be Maya's diary too.

(She's never thought of herself as the knight in her fairy tales.

Maybe princesses can save people too, she still isn't quite sure.)

They stay up all night and talk about "Ass Saito" as Maya calls him. At the crack of dawn, Maya cries over her father. She clings to her best friend for an entire hour and Riley cries too.

The tears are as gone as the sad, sad smile from ages ago the next day and Riley wonders what promise her best friend has made herself this time. She hates that the blonde girl has so many tears she refuses to cry.

Riley starts to hate her starry eyes because Maya's are still so broken. She knows she would steal all the stars and the moons if it meant Maya would never ever ever hurt again.

She also knows she can't.

Being the knight is hard work and she knows how long Maya has done it so she lets Maya be the damsel instead (but she still cries too much when she loses the bracelet—she thinks that's when she stops liking Ash Saito so much).

Ash Saito isn't a prince so she doesn't need to be a princess now.

* * *

**v. lucas friar is all the inbetweens of tommy hannigan and oliver mcminamin that she is**

He's the first boy she ever loves. It's not love right from the start but when he truly unfolds himself and divulges his secrets to her, Riley Matthews falls in love with Lucas Friar.

She knows he will not be the last boy even though it feels like it sometimes.

(It's entirely because he is the shades of gray between Tommy Hannigan and Oliver McMinamin that become Maya Hart.)

She sees the warmth in his eyes that she's searched for alongside the brokenness in Maya's. She sees the banter he shares with her best friend (who she knows hates him but she can't linger on it too much). She sees the protective anger against bullies that Maya has always carried with her. He doesn't have the teasing smirk or the same shade of hair or the same warmth in his arms but he's charming and funny and a gentleman and he makes her feel _sososo_ much.

It's not the first time she's been in love (she's still in love, yes, she knows that) but it's the only time she's gotten to talk about it and the first time she's found Prince Charming.

Of course, she knows about the night that they get too drunk at that party (she can remember dancing wildly with Maya in ways best friends aren't supposed to and getting lost in the crowd of people) and they wound up fucking. She doesn't know if they remember it but she does. She'd walked a still drunk and bleeding Maya out of the room and given her her jacket and nurtured the alcohol out of her system and cleaned her up (they showered together like they had when they were younger but Riley will never speak of it) and then taken her to see a musical. It often occurs to her that maybe she should've walked Lucas Friar out instead because isn't she supposed to love her boyfriend with all of her heart?

She doesn't break up with him for it (they're only ninth graders and they've just barely started dating and she loves him too much to not forgive what he doesn't even know he did) but it is the first time her heart is _trulytrulytruly_ broken.

They both broke it.

(But she never ever blames Maya because Maya would never hurt her like that.

Besides, she's had enough painful reminders that Maya likes Uncle Josh to know.)

The worst is when Maya's period is late and she doesn't even know she should be scared. Riley can't make her take a pregnancy test or anything (she wishes she'd worked up the guts to buy the morning after pill for Maya) so instead she has to wait.

Her period gets there a month late and Riley cries her still starry eyes out.

She never stops carrying the burden of their secret alone.

Instead she breaks up with him in tenth grade with sweet, sugary kisses and her hand finds the warmth of Maya's.

* * *

**vi. edgard hantus is almost nothing like her but you need to get over it**

She starts dating Edgard Hantus just because he's cute and funny.

There's no real reason to it. Just a simple, mindless infatuation. He shows her pretty things like constellations and flowers and speaks Shakespeare and little things like that but she doesn't think that's why she likes him. She just thinks that's nice.

(She gives him her virginity anyways because Maya comes out with her _girlfriend,_ Olive Fitzpatrick, and she just wants to feel.)

It's afterwards that she grows attached to him and afterwards that he breaks her heart even more than Maya has.

Maya who promised to never hurt her. Maya who swore to tell her these things. Maya who broke her. Maya who is broken. Maya who she danced with. Maya who she wants so badly to kiss again (it happened once during truth or dare in middle school and a few times when they were little because she was so in love with fairy tales).

She's perfectly fine though.

Really, she is.

She just wishes Gammy would stop giving her those pitying looks like she knows how Riley feels. They kill her a little bit more each time.

(There's the same hallowness as when she watches Maya smiling at Disneyland and all she can think of is the sad smile from all those years ago.)

The next time she kisses Edgard Hantus it makes her sad because he tastes like a lipstick she's never worn. Riley Matthews is a lot of things but she's not stupid. He should've figured that out when he met her when she was a freshman and he was a sophomore.

(She recalls how they met at a Sadie Hawkins dance that she'd asked Maya to and not Lucas Friar, he had seemed like the dragon in her fairy tale then.)

She cries to Maya about him cheating and suddenly Maya is the one saving her again. She hasn't been the damsel in distress in awhile and it feels nice.

Maya makes Edgard Hantus bleed and cry like her heart is and everything is _okayokayokay_. But when Lucas Friar hurts Edgard Hantus, it feels differently.

Maybe it's the lack of comforting promises.

* * *

**vii. alec crawford is the same kind of adventurous as her and you're addicted again**

The only thing really special about Alec Crawford is that his lips taste like the chapstick Maya likes, and maybe that his eyes sparkle like hers do.

Other than that, he's just a pretty boy with sweet words to tell her and soft hands to hold. She's fond of holding his hand as they run amuck around New York and every amusement park they can find. It feels like running around with Maya but he's much too tall and his shoulders are much too broad.

The high that is Alec Crawford is gone with the wind the day Gammy is diagnosed though. It's probably what Gammy tells her that really breaks her heart if she's honest. (She's being too selfish again, of course.)

"Maya feels the same way about you." She'd heard it in Oliver McMinamin's eyes but it burns to hear from Gammy.

If she was a lot braver, if she was a lot more like Maya, she would've at least tried to kiss her.

Instead she does nothing but cry to Alec Crawford a little bit and kiss his lips because they taste familiar. Too bad hugging him doesn't feel the same way holding Maya had. If she had just found a boy who felt that way, it would have saved her all the heartache of her sexuality which she's still not sure about.

The funeral is hell on earth as she clings to her dearest friends and Maya is pressed right against her, with one hand in Farkle's and the other in Lucas Friar's. She catches glimpses of Auggie sobbing into a torn up Ava and her parents and Shawn clutching each other like it'll make a difference and Mrs. Hart crying into herself. It's the worst sight carved into her eyes and it chases her into the car.

She tries to think of Lucas Friar and Maya Hart and she thinks it's okay.

Then those stupid fucking words come back into her head and she remembers the blood down Maya's leg and she wants to die. It's too selfish to think.

At home, she reads fairy tales in a choking voice to Auggie and Ava even though they're not little kids anymore. They listen anyways.

And then she gets the best news in her entire life.

They found the bracelet. _They found the bracelet._ She kisses their cheeks and buries her face in Maya's neck and Lucas Friar's chest and when Farkle comes she buries her hand in his and they call Mrs. Hart and Auggie and Ava understand but barely as they dance about the room.

Alec Crawford cheats and Maya beats him up again because he's the dragon and she's the knight. Riley doesn't cry because his eyes still look like Maya's. He gets a second chance even though she knows she shouldn't.

The damsel dates the dragon.

(She regrets it like Maya warns.)

* * *

**viii. farkle minkus shows you the gentleman nature of lucas friar**

It's strange and foreign even though he's always pursued her. Even though she went to prom with him. Even though she's known him for so so long. He has not a trace of Maya Hart but he's as gentleman-like as Lucas Friar and he takes her to nice places and he's really grown up a lot.

She dates Farkle Minkus.

He's the second boy she falls in love with even though her heart still belongs to a girl.

It's nice and happy and fresh and feels like a dream come true to her even though she has never dreamt of this. At the very least she isn't settling with him, he is the exact thing that she had promised to never settle for less than.

He's the only boy who never cheats (even accidentally and without knowing) on and she thinks that's sweet. She knows she shouldn't think that. Either way, he's a good prince. A very nice prince too.

She's still not observant enough to see the pain in Maya Hart or Lucas Friar's eyes when she swoons to them about it.

They date for months and months before she sees. She only lets herself see the pain in Lucas Friar's eyes because _Gammy couldn't have been right._

Even if Maya had cried with her head nuzzled in Riley's neck after dumping Olive Fitzpatrick.

She starts texting Lucas Friar more and more. She apologizes to Farkle Minkus with intentions of breaking up with him when she realizes she's flirting. Instead Farkle Minkus breaks up with her and tells her he understands with a sugary sweet kiss on her cheek and no hard feelings whatsoever.

He was a good prince but Lucas Friar is Prince Charming.

It occurs briefly that Maya Hart is Princess Sarcasm but she has to shake the thought before it gives her starry eyes false hope.

* * *

**viv. you say i do to him and she says nothing**

It burns her up inside when she's got butterflies and she's saying cheesy vows to him and Maya Hart just stands there, looking up at the sky. Riley is blind to the tears her best friend is fighting back as she always has been.

She's genuinely happy to be marrying Lucas Friar. She's wanted to be Mrs. Lucas Friar since she was in the seventh grade.

But her heart aches and she almost wishes Maya Hart would just say _something._

"Speak now."

Starry eyes look towards broken eyes. They don't look back.

"Or forever."

Lucas Friar squeezes her hand and she looks back to him with a smile. It feels like the smile from when they were little.

"Hold your."

_Pleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomethingpleasesaysomething._ She counts to four. One. Maya Hart looks at her. Two. Maya Hart smiles at her. Three. Those eyes are sad.

"Peace."

Four.

. . .

Silence.

Maya Hart has no objections.

Farkle Minkus has no objections (he smiles so genuinely). Oliver McMinamin has no objections (even if he shifts like he wants to speak). Katy Hart has no objections (despite the sadness in her eyes). Auggie Matthews has no objections (he's threatened Mr. Friar enough already). Ava Morgenstern has no objections (though she eyes Maya Hart like she wants her to speak).

Daddy has no objections (his eyes look empty and like he's lost). Mom has no objections (she sighs and looks down before smiling). Shawn Hunter has no objections (just disappointment and memories). Uncle Josh has no objections (just smiles of pride and a slight grimace of overprotection).

Grandpa has no objections (but he looks at Lucas Friar funny). Grandma has no objections (she's too busy crying over her granddaughter). Aunt Morgan has no objections (she's smiling wider than ever). Uncle Eric has no objections (his eyes have understanding and his smile has acceptance).

In that moment, the whole world holds their peace. And Maya Hart doesn't breathe but Riley Matthews never knows that.

They say their "I do"'s and she looks at Maya Hart before she kisses him.

He never sees her eyes leave him.

It kills her but through her smile (because she really is happy to marry him, just torn at what she wants) she swears to God she feels Maya's little smirk against her lips.

(It's probably just left over from when they fucked.)

She pulls away with tender eyes and it's still Lucas Friar.

But now she's Riley Friar.

It occurs to her that she'd let herself say "fifth crush" in front of Maya Hart. She's terrified as she dances with her best friend but it feels like home.

Dancing with Lucas Friar feels like safety but she's not sure she wants safety.

And "Riley Friar" doesn't sound as good as she'd thought it would. (She thinks she likes Riley Hart or Maya Matthews a lot though.)

Maybe she should've come out a long, long time ago. Maybe it would've been okay. But she's already married and divorce is a messy business her parents would never approve of.

She's almost lost in her thoughts and the songs and dancing with Daddy and Mom and Uncle Josh and her husband and Farkle Minkus and Auggie and Ava and everyone. Then she sees Maya Hart kissing Uncle Josh and she wants to cry. She really does when Maya Hart starts counting.

Riley Friar hears her best friend puke and she sobs into her knees.

"See, Gammy? You were wrong."

* * *

_reviews are love. give riley some._

**A/N: If you want another chapter from another perspective, d****o tell.**


	3. Once More With Feeling

**A/N: Whoops, I made the title a reference to my conductor's favorite saying.**

Summary: She watches her childhood all over again and it's the worst feeling.

* * *

**i. your little girl meets her and there's something like fire**

Her story had not gotten a happily ever after and yet she so foolishly told fairy tales to her little angel with Cory Matthews. She had always seen the twisting, writhing, the longing in their eyes. Even once they had confided their overness with the subject, it remained. It didn't take words for her to know. All it had ever taken was their eyes.

Riley Matthews and Maya Hart are no different.

From the moment they meet, Topanga Matthews can see it. Burning. Blazing. Thriving.

(She winces when she sees the ashes flash by.)

These stories never end well.

"Mama, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from the dinner table.

"It feels like fire from behind eyes," murmurs the Tender Shepherd before she wipes crumbs away from curious lips.

* * *

**ii.** **the pencils they break with the heartache**

She can hear the pencils snapping from the kitchen as she cuts up a snack for them. Her Angel has done nothing but _talkandtalkandtalk_ of some Silly Little Boy she says she loves.

With the pencils, she hears the cracking and fracturing of the blonde's heart. Her eyes force in images of fresh, beating, pulsing pink and she can almost swear she hears Shawn's _whisperquiet_ sobs and Cory's _pillowmuffled_ tears.

The knife slices through her palm and she doesn't flinch at the blood. She flinches at her pity for the Other Little Girl.

That knight, singing a soft lullaby to the Angel, she feels her throat crack at the thought of telling her how the Other Little Girl feels the same, how their eyes share the fire.

She finds that she cannot find the words and so she merely tucks her daughter in and sighs at the door frame.

_Ifonlyifonlyifonly._

(Why does she feel more helpless than before?)

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from her bedspread.

"It feels like pink beating lines," murmurs the Tender Shepherd before she shuts the door neatly.

* * *

**iii.**** demons hide in locked hearts that hide in shut closets**

Her lips itch to spill all she has known to Cory. _YoubothstillloveeachotherMayaandRileyloveeachotherIcandonothing._ Instead she watches as the Angel skips through the door and hums of feelings that are tucked in her eyes.

She says she thinks she loves another Silly Little Boy.

Her eyes say her heart is sewn into the sleeve of her best friend and sealed with a chaste kiss.

Those starry doe eyes are _tootoo_ familiar and she recognizes the nights Cory still had those. (Sometimes, her mind believes Shawn had them once too before they broke and shattered.) They shine with feelings for another but still burns brightly the feelings for _her._

It's only a few years before she announces he likes boys and boys alone (as the Shepherd had much suspected in the way his eyes glistened). The Angel sobs that night and she knows now that her little girl doesn't know what to believe about her feelings.

She scrambles to find the key but she's misplaced it (it's between the teeth of _her_ really) and the little girl's heart stays locked up too tightly for the entire night. Fresh in her eyes are the reflections of her scratched up heart with the Demon's claws bleeding from the wounds. It occurs to her that she shouldn't be checking the closet for monsters.

All she'll find is an Angel with a crown of confusion and big starry eyes asking why they've built her inside such a small space.

(There's a single loose brick she could push out of place but she doesn't ever see it.)

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from inside the brick closet.

"It feels like torn up insides and hidden away keys," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from just outside.

* * *

**iv. she keeps her feelings boxed neatly on a shelf**

Sixth grade is the first time she suspects the Angel is only pretending to like a Silly Little Boy.

Her eyes aren't quite glistening the way they should. Cory's eyes were still pure starlight at this age (Shawn's were halfway dead as she recalls and she'd tried to help but really she couldn't do a damn thing). The Angel's eyes should be worn but starry, not forcing themselves to _shineandshinebright._

Brunette locks are curled delicately and quirks are squished down in the contents of her heart.

(They're still there, she just wants them gone.)

Her room is too neat and her _everything_ is color coded and in perfect place. The Angel is beginning to learn how much that word means. She doesn't like what it does.

Questions are exchanged and answers are given too formally (to everyone but the Other Little Girl she suspects) for her heart to truly leap at the Silly Little Boy's smile.

She briefly believes Shawn reached this phase once but can't be sure.

(All she really remembers is being helpless to save anyone.)

"Mom, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from her pretty little boxes.

"It doesn't feel like neat organization, it's chaos," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the derailed fairy tale.

* * *

**v. they _lacklacklack_ that burning in their eyes**

The Angel finds a Prince instead of a Silly Little Boy this time. He's charming as can be and everything she could ask for for her little girl. But she doesn't quite see the fire in their eyes or the ripples in their touches.

(Perhaps this empty _thatsnotright_ feeling ached in Shawn's bones once upon a time.)

She doesn't want to imagine how tossed aside the Other Little Girl feels behind that pearly little smile. But it flickers in her bones and she almost cries for her Other Little Girl. Instead she burns the proud smile on her lips that kills her just a tad.

All the Angel wants is Mommy and Daddy's approval, she knows this. It had been all Cory wanted when he'd had those starry eyes with the white hot burning. (She'd never gotten to ask Shawn what he had wanted. She'd only seen the hurting in those burning eyes at the sight of welded hands and fingers.)

She gives the heavens and the constellations her prayers for a happy ending this time.

It hurts them both that the Prince won't grant it.

"Mom, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from under his arm.

"It feels like what you two have," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the bottom of her heart.

* * *

**vi. it's all sparkles and mascara tears**

She's back to another Silly Little Boy (but this one is not so little and not so boyish). This one the Shepherd can see is only going to bring heartbreak and ruin though she can still say nothing. The Angel will not listen and the Other Little Girl will not hear.

All her silent warnings have fallen on deaf ears.

She waits in silence, her hand gripping and clinging to Cory's. Shawn tells her not to worry so much, _heseemslikeanicekid._ A nice kid with no luster to his eyes, no fire to his veins, no heart to his chest. The Shepherd can only see the ending of _this_ story as she watches the door for her Angel's return (she prays it will be with the Other Little Girl).

It's not the fairy tale ending either of them deserve. Hers has not been the fairy tale ending she had once imagined. She knows how badly this will hurt the Angel. She knows not how much this will kill and torture the Other Little Girl. She still has not asked Shawn.

(She keeps forgetting to remember how to speak when she wants to.)

It kills her when she's right and the Angel is sobbing into the Other Little Girl who is bloodied and bruised from acts she will not speak of. Their eyes are both firey and broken tonight.

But there is the slightest trace of hope in the Other Little Girl's as the Angel nuzzles into her.

"Mom, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from the back of her choked throat.

"It feels like mascara and hope," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the center of her weighted heart.

* * *

**vii. he's almost familiar until she sees his eyes**

Her next Silly Little Boy is close. Not close to the Prince but to the Other Little Girl. He's much too tall and broadened but he is close. Welded in him is the same inferno as in her. But his eyes are not right.

His eyes do not burn. Not even a little. They have intentions she does not wish to see in anyone's eyes. Intentions the not so boyish Silly Little Boy had had.

Screams of warnings are lost in her throat quickly though.

Gammy is dying.

When she is dead, the Silly Little Boy does not come to comfort the Angel or show his respects to the Other Little Girl. She knows the Angel has asked him. She knows he promised he would. She knows he will lie as to why he didn't.

Her voice will not let her warn the Angel.

The angel clings to the prince and the other little girl and Minkus' son. It's more than just Gammy and grief and heartache. It is betrayal and confusion and loathing and past broken hearts and urges to kiss the Other Little Girl. Still she can say nothing.

Instead she prays the Other Little Girl will know and they can be happy.

(It doesn't work that way and even when the Silly Little Boy cheats he is granted a second chance because he is almost like the Other Little Girl.)

Shawn and Cory were the same way.

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel from behind a closed door.

"It feels like always being there," murmurs the Tender Shepherd from the floor.

* * *

**viii. she goes far far away to find her kingdom**

The Shepherd only receives messages about what is happening while her Angel is away. Minkus' son has grown to be a Prince (she is not surprised, she had seen it the day they had gone to prom together). He has had the fire in his eyes for quite some time.

She's almost pleased.

Almost.

(But the Angel does not return the fire to him and the Other Little Girl is broken in pieces with the Other Prince.)

From what she is relayed, they are happy and perfect and dancing and smiling. From the Other Little Girl's eyes, it is all true. From her Angel's eyes, she is still _inloveinloveinlove_ and she thinks she understands now.

The Shepherd knows she doesn't.

She would be with the Other Little Girl if that were true. The same way Shawn and Cory would have been together if they had understood they both had (_have_) the fire in their eyes. (Briefly she wonders if they see the fire in the little girls' eyes.)

Her thoughts leave a bitter taste in her mouth. She drowns with a bottle of Shawn's favorite liquor. A drunken haze of rights and wrongs and wishes that it was black and white and moments she should have said it and moments she lied by omission swirl in the bottle.

It leaves her wondering where she would be left if Shawn and Cory had. Where she'll be if the Angel and the Other Little Girl do.

Nowhere.

She is nothing without them. They will leave her. Of course, they will leave her. She will be nothing. She would've been nothing. Alone. Loveless. On her own, with just a bottle of liquor to soothe her.

On second thought, it's not all that soothing and she can't see why it's his crutch.

_Fairy tales,_ she decides, _fairy tales are much better._

(The angel has been using them for far too long.)

"Mommy, what does love feel like?" whispers the Angel on the phone in a giggling fit.

"It feels like your kingdom," the Tender Shepherd murmurs with alcohol in her veins.

* * *

**viv. the look in her eyes is that of his all those years ago**

It's her wedding day. The Shepherd knows this is meant to be the happiest day of her entire life. It's supposed to be her fairy tale ending. Isn't it happily ever after from here?

_I wish, I wish,_ she muses. Hers hasn't been. Even though she thinks she can see the burning in Cory's eyes for her.

The Angel twirls in her dress and asks, "is it alright?"

She nods, tears in her eyes and her arms around the angel. "You look so beautiful. Just try not to cry too much, you'll ruin your make up."

"It's okay, Maya prepared me, it's all waterproof," she laughs, that _bigbigbig_ goofy grin on her face.

The Shepherd still sees her longing glances at the Other Little Girl. The Shepherd still sees the sadness in her eyes. The Shepherd still sees the burning. In both of them. Prince Charming, the one she never thought was a Silly Little Boy, doesn't notice.

(Or he does like she did and pretends not to.

He'll hate himself later, if that's the case.

She suspects it is.)

There's the briefest of broken fire in Cory and Shawn's eyes as they look at each other. It almost breaks her. But it's her little girl's big day, she can't linger on the past. Or the present.

Or the tears her Other Little Girl is biting back.

Prince Charming and the Angel kiss and all should be well now. Why isn't it? Why couldn't the Angel see the Other Little Girl loves her too? Why couldn't Cory and Shawn be happy? Why couldn't the Shepherd be enough? All she ever had to do was speak now.

"Forever holding your peace, Maya?"

With a tear stained shake of her head, the Other Little Girl breaks down. It's only a second and then it's gone.

"It's okay, I'll never know how badly it hurts you but I know you just want her to be happy. Don't you deserve happiness too?" She wishes she would shut up.

"I dunno. Maybe. With Minkus, if he still likes me. Or Josh. I still like him," she admits softly.

"You do. My little girls both deserve the world. Go get it, hon. You're pretty fierce," the Shepherd says with a sort of finality. The Other Little Girl is quick to lose herself in a hug, or maybe in the memories. The Shepherd can never tell.

Later, as they dance, as they have something like happiness (she prays it won't be the last bit), she walks to Shawn. She asks him how it felt. How it hurt. She thinks it's for the Other Little Girl but maybe it's for her.

"Like having my heart ripped out . . . And giving it to him. To both of you," he murmurs over a cup of champagne.

"Put the drink down, honey," she pleads. It clinks against the table. His head falls in place on her shoulder. They both cry. "Do . . . Do you think Lucas will hate himself too?" She whispers.

(They both know the answer.)

"Mama . . . What does love feel like?" whispers the Angel in her wedding dress, with tears in her eyes.

"It feels hopeless," murmurs the Tender Shepherd.

"Oh," the brunette says. The Shepherd can hear her heart breaking.

* * *

_reviews are love. apparently everyone needs some._


	4. Miracles Don't Happen

**A/N: Here it is, guys! The last chapter. That I planned. I swear to God, if I have to write another, I will do worse than I do here, okay? Okay.**

Summary: He marries the girl he loves but it all goes to shit. / He really thought they'd be fine. He thought they could do it. He thought she didn't love Maya the way Maya loves her. He thought everything would be great.

* * *

**i. you're 29 and she's 28**

It's cold and not just because half of his ass hangs out of this stupid hospital gown. Riley Friar doesn't hold his hand tight as she can and she doesn't cry warm tears on his chest. There have been months to get used to this and accept that cancer is killing him but he had hoped for at least sniffling on his death bed.

"I'm sorry we couldn't have kids," he whispers, not looking at her. It occurs to him that he'll miss her birthday again.

She doesn't say anything for a minute. Her throat doesn't clear itself and she doesn't creak in that chair. "I don't need kids at 28, Lucas." He imagines she's twisting the ring on her finger and tries to not think she's taking it off.

"Ri, it's just ... I know you want them and I do—did too," the truth is suffocating but he says it anyways.

Her lips are cold at his cheek but he welcomes them anyways. She's thinking about her best friend and he has to be okay with that. Too much has changed for him not to be.

If it's out of love or pity, he doesn't know, but she stays at his side and twists their fingers together. It's the most affection they've shared in he doesn't know how long but that doesn't matter if it's the last. He had wanted the last to be a kiss to last for the next ten minutes, or the next ten lifetimes, or forever if that's how he died—with her lips on his.

They haven't kissed like that in awhile.

"Riley?" It's soft and scared but so is he.

She rests her head onto his chest in reply.

"Kiss me, one last time?"

Her head shakes and it feels like needles in his lungs. "Not the last time," she whispers. When was the last time then? A peck before cancer? Fierce lips in a fight? With another's taste mixed in their mouths?

They fell apart too fast to fix it.

"Ring power?" He pleads.

She sobs but not for him on his fucking death bed. "I love you," she tells him. It's his and his alone this time but he knows things are different now.

"I love you," he cradles her, "I loved you so hard, God, Riley Matthews, I loved you so much."

(It's too late to tell her to be Mrs. Riley Hart.)

* * *

**ii. you're both 28**

She waited up in his head. (She went out with Maya in reality.) She left a sweet note with a heart in his head. (She left an ice cold plate of chicken and mashed potatoes in reality.) She fell asleep on the couch in his flannel in his head. (She's laughing with her best friend in reality.)

He wants them to be perfect again. He wants to come home on time again. Fuck. Why does he have to work all day?

The dinner plate is in the microwave, spinning and glowing, when he finds it. Her wedding ring is on the coffee table. Suddenly, his appetite is ruined and the dinner, plate and all, is in the trash. Cancer couldn't kill him fast enough.

"Why? Fuck, Riley, why?" He knows exactly why. Everything has gone wrong and she loves someone else.

They could've worked out in another life and in different careers.

He cries himself to sleep on the couch and all she offers him is a blanket before curling up in their bed.

* * *

**iii. you're 28 and she's 27**

"Oh." It's all she says when he tells her he has cancer. She cries later but all she can say is "oh." Five years married and that's the best she can give him now.

They cry together anyways, arms wrapped around each other like they're seventeen again.

No one else says oh. His parents cry and hers hold him tight. Farkle clings on and won't let go because _he can't lose his best friend,_ it's not an option. Maya hits him and dives into his chest, sobbing an angry fit of snot and hate. Zay drops everything and drives back from Texas without a word until he's right there, hugging his best friend in the world.

The best Riley can do is look down at her feet and feel bad for not feeling bad enough.

"Do you love me?" He hangs his heart from his sleeve. She nods slowly, not breaking eye contact. They don't look at each other like that is the world and nothing else could be anymore.

It would mean more if her friendship ring didn't cut into his hand.

(Maya holds Riley to her chest without need but that never matters anymore.)

* * *

**iv. you're 27 and she's 26**

He was drunk or sober but there's lipstick on his chest and two warm bodies in a new bed. It's horrifying to see blonde curls and dark eyebrows under the sheet because he knows who that is. She looks like an angel but he knows she's the devil (or maybe he is now) and she's ruining his marriage without even trying.

"Wake up, get up, Hart, look what we've done," he begs, shaking her.

She stirs and her eyelids are too droopy for her to scream. There's a painful familiarity to the way she rubs her forehead. For a moment, he thinks she will call Riley. Instead she pukes off the side of her own bed.

He doesn't want Riley to know. After what happened, he can't have Riley know. Rubbing her back gently, he whispers quieter than he ever has, "nobody needs to know ... We did this. Nobody would understand—_I_ don't understand."

There's a moment where he thinks she will nod and agree. It's delusion, more than anything. "Get out," she tells him. "Get the fuck out."

She tells Riley because she loves her.

"You _slept_ with my best friend! She was drunk and you slept with her! After what happened to us, you—you think you can just run away to _Maya!?_" Lucas doesn't move from the doorway. She's screaming and red and angry.

He did this.

He did this.

Why did he do this?

"I ... I'm so sorry, Riley, I love you, I don't know what—" his voice is breaking. Does he deserve to be this sad?

She throws a picture frame to the floor. Ivory dress, black tie, grey vest. They're hands and lips and love in it and now they're broken. He can remember everything that happened that day. He spun her and kissed her and loved her like they used to in their kitchen in that tiny apartment. It's a night he's written about again and again, trying to find the story to tell with it, but it always ends in her dancing with her best friend and not him.

Now she's broken it like he's broken them.

"That's bullshit, Lucas! You know what happened! You slept with her!" Her eyes shouldn't be hurting this much over him.

(What kind of a husband is he?)

He's quiet because she won't let him be anything but while she screams. It's not just sleeping with her best friend. It's missing her birthday for his career and the women who want him to read their manuscript. It's coming home late for an entire month. It's choosing to work overtime. It's drinking too much. It's everything wrong with them.

With him.

"Riley—Riles, you're acting crazy, I—" it's the wrong thing to say and he realizes that after it falls from his lips.

"No, I'm _not!_ I'm not! Goddamnit!" She's crying now. She won't take his arms around her or his lips upon hers and he knows why. She wants blonde hair and blue eyes, not him. He shouldn't have lied. Why the fuck did he lie?

(Is he trying to ruin his own marriage?)

He watches her cry because he can do nothing now.

* * *

**v. you're 26 and she's 25**

Their hands are linked throughout the ultrasound with matching smiles on their lips. "We're going to have a child," he laughs, kissing her forehead.

"I know. Maya and Zay will be the godparents, and you'll pick the middle name, and Daddy will be so happy for us, and everything will be okay," she whispers, holding his face, "I want to remember this moment forever."

He presses his forehead against hers and tells her she will. That nothing could be more perfect than this. This moment is theirs, forever and forever, until the world burns up around them.

Lucas is wrong.

"Hang on," Dr. Hiatt whispers, "I have to check this little one's heartbeat and then we're done."

(Riley wishes so much that Dr. Hiatt never checked the heartbeat.)

It's a moment. It is fleeting and gone as quick as it comes. It is the worst moment of his life. It is the worst moment of her life.

"I .. I'm sorry," she whispers, "Mrs. Friar ... You're child is—is dead."

Neither of them scream. Neither of them cry. They are silent. "What?" He can see Riley's world shatter around her, hear her heart stop, like their child's.

"Mrs. Friar, I ... There's nothing I can do. I—their ... Their heart stopped beating." This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to them. Not to their first child. They'd bought the new house, they'd looked at cribs, they'd announced it to everyone.

Fuck.

He wanted to give piggyback rides, wanted to go to Disney World as a family, wanted to film firsts, wanted to tie little shoelaces, wanted to help pick out backpacks, wanted to help with homework, wanted to make shitty jokes, wanted to embarrass their child together, wanted to make photo albums with her at 2 am, wanted to have to pretend Santa is real, wanted to get homemade father's day presents, wanted to have fourth of July barbecues, wanted to step on Legos, wanted to complain about their friends, wanted to be a family. He wanted it so fucking badly.

They walk home in the sun without touching each other once.

(She and Maya are inseparable again the next time you all have lunch.)

* * *

**vi. you're both 25**

Lucas slips into their tiny apartment with a flower he picked from someone else's garden as sorry for being late to get home. It's not what he expected.

She's sitting in the living room with their closest friends and a smile on all mouths. Her hand is in Maya's and he almost cringes but it's fine, they're fine.

"What's the occasion, Ri? Did you get the job?" He grins, setting the flower in their vase.

Her arms wrap around her stomach and she smiles wider than he's seen since he proposed (she's smiled wider for Maya before but he's fine, they're fine). "I'm going to bear your child," she tells him.

He feels his mouth drop open only after Zay laughs that he'll swallow bugs and Maya snorts that bugs want nothing to do with his mouth. He's going to be a father. He's going to be a father. "I swear to you, Riley Friar, I will be the best father I can to our child," he whispers, kissing her both her hands.

Lucas knows Maya is dying inside but he's never been happier.

"Congrats, Mr. Riley Matthews." A pained eye roll pretends to be what she's feeling. It's never been easier to read the blonde.

"Why were you so late home anyways, Luke?" Farkle asks him.

"I had to finish up a few chapters if we wanna move out of this tiny apartment. And now that we have a little one on the way, we definitely need to." He smiles at Riley and she smiles back and they're okay, they're fine. Except the hand in hers.

(A part of him wishes Farkle and Zay knew about the longing glances and the hushed feelings because he needs _someone_ to cut through this pain at brown seeing blue as the world.)

* * *

**vii. you're 24 and she's 23**

So maybe they can barely afford their home but at least they have each other. They have slow dancing in the kitchen and telling stories over TV dinner and her sleeping in his flannels. He knows they can pull through this, she'll stop loving Maya in time and they'll figure out their finances and they're going to be okay.

They're too in love to not be okay.

Except Riley just lost her job and he needs to get published _soon_ if they want to keep their tiny apartment. He wishes he had stayed with his original major or that she had gotten a job at a better school. But everything is going to be okay because they're Riley and Lucas and they're golden.

He's right and he gets the call as they're eating dinner. He's going to be published and he's going to finally make money.

Everything is wrong but everything is finally right.

They dance in the kitchen and she steps on his toes to be taller than him. He knows who she wants him to be but it's okay because she swears she loves him. He believes her.

She wouldn't lie to him.

* * *

**viii. you're almost 24 and she's still 23**

Bills are worse than he'd expected for them. Neither of their jobs are any good for this city and he's worried they'll need to move away from their best friends.

They can figure this out.

("I believe in us," she tells him between kisses.)

If anyone can stay strong, it's them.

("We'll come out stronger," he murmurs between her collar bones.)

The bills stack up and the pay doesn't.

("You'll get published soon," she swears to his shoulders.)

No school will take her full time.

("You're going to find a good school," he promises into her hair.)

There's a tapping at their window and their moment is dead as a dark eyebrow is cocked at them. Shit.

* * *

**viv. you're both 23**

He's heard before that your wedding is the most magical part of your marriage. So far, it has been. He could almost swear it was a fairy tale. From the fizzling in his lips when they kissed to the way her dress spun out when he twirled her, he couldn't make it more of a fairy tale.

At least, not until he hears his mother-in-law's voice.

Riley asks her what love feels like—doesn't she know? Aren't they in love? He just married her, she must know what love feels like. They must feel like love, love must be something in the way they kiss and dance and look at each other.

"It feels hopeless."

"Oh."

He wonders if maybe they're hopeless. (Could they be hopeless?)

Topanga leaves with sad eyes to Angela and Cory and Shawn and Katy. He watches for a minute, all the while not wanting to breathe. There's a quiet sort of anger in his bones.

Then, he hears a sob. No. No. No. Riley wouldn't cry on their wedding night. Riley loves him. Riley has loved him for so long. They will not fall. They will not lose, not this early into their marriage.

She mumbles something.

"Maya."

She loves Maya. But she must love him. She must love him. At least a little. She married him, she said yes. He had Maya's blessing, he had her father's blessing, he had her mother's blessing, he loves her so goddamn much. She must love him.

How could she not love him?

No. It will be fine. They will be fine. She will not love Maya forever. They will be fine. She loves him too. They will be fine. He loves her so much. They will be fine. He knows they will be fine.

He knows it as he holds her tight to his chest and kisses the top of her head and he knows it as she takes him inside her to consummate the marriage with whispered words of love and tenderness.

"We will be fine."

* * *

**A/N: Ring power doesn't work so well for Lucas. Also, yes, I did just kill off Lucas.**


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